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Pedicures With Riley
Mar. 21st, 2009 03:11 pm1. Get stabbed in toes by Riley's stabby horrible monster sloth claws. Realize it's - *gulp* - nail-trim time.
2. Try to forget how Buster screamed that one time the vet caught the quick, which was terrifying, and has scared me badly when it comes to nail clips.
3. Find nail clippers. (Wire cutters do not work; we have tried this already.)
4. Tell Riley Sit. She does. Tell her Down. She does. Tell her Over, and guide her so she flops to her side with her back facing away.
5. Find surprise tick on Riley's leg. Freak the fuck out. Ticks = instant nausea. I do not know why.
6. Remove tick. We're not discussing that. Oh god horrible.
7. Remind self to wash the damn dog already and reapply the Frontline. Sip fizzy soda until stomach calms down; get consoling licks from Riley, who got a cookie for good behavior during parasite removal and also probably wants some soda too.
8. Once again: sit, down, over. Scoot close to Riley, sitting on the floor; throw right leg over Riley's body. Settle her down because she thinks this is a game and wants to punch me in the thigh.
9. Grab near hind foot, spread toes out. Get kicked in the shoulder with off hind foot. (Horse terms apply here as she's bigger than some ponies.) Re-adjust leg on dog so that foot is holding off-side leg well out of the way.
10. Align clippers on nail. Move paw and clippers as far away from face as possible. Turn away, brace self, clip. Hear Riley grunt, see removed claw-end go flying, watch as absolutely nothing catastrophic happens. Repeat two more times, until Riley decides she Will Not Be Having With this claw-clipping nonsense and she needs to be settled down.
11. Tell self: "Steve Irwin would not be afraid of clipping a dog's nails."
12. Quickly and efficiently clip last claw. Realize that Riley has run out of patience, and decide to attack the other feet later. Let Riley up, accept a friendly punching and some more licking, and give her another cookie.
13. Realize that pill bottle over there is full of rubbing alcohol and a BIG NASTY TICK.
14. Remove self to fainting couch. Allow Riley to accompany, because she would anyway and saying no gets me nowhere.
2. Try to forget how Buster screamed that one time the vet caught the quick, which was terrifying, and has scared me badly when it comes to nail clips.
3. Find nail clippers. (Wire cutters do not work; we have tried this already.)
4. Tell Riley Sit. She does. Tell her Down. She does. Tell her Over, and guide her so she flops to her side with her back facing away.
5. Find surprise tick on Riley's leg. Freak the fuck out. Ticks = instant nausea. I do not know why.
6. Remove tick. We're not discussing that. Oh god horrible.
7. Remind self to wash the damn dog already and reapply the Frontline. Sip fizzy soda until stomach calms down; get consoling licks from Riley, who got a cookie for good behavior during parasite removal and also probably wants some soda too.
8. Once again: sit, down, over. Scoot close to Riley, sitting on the floor; throw right leg over Riley's body. Settle her down because she thinks this is a game and wants to punch me in the thigh.
9. Grab near hind foot, spread toes out. Get kicked in the shoulder with off hind foot. (Horse terms apply here as she's bigger than some ponies.) Re-adjust leg on dog so that foot is holding off-side leg well out of the way.
10. Align clippers on nail. Move paw and clippers as far away from face as possible. Turn away, brace self, clip. Hear Riley grunt, see removed claw-end go flying, watch as absolutely nothing catastrophic happens. Repeat two more times, until Riley decides she Will Not Be Having With this claw-clipping nonsense and she needs to be settled down.
11. Tell self: "Steve Irwin would not be afraid of clipping a dog's nails."
12. Quickly and efficiently clip last claw. Realize that Riley has run out of patience, and decide to attack the other feet later. Let Riley up, accept a friendly punching and some more licking, and give her another cookie.
13. Realize that pill bottle over there is full of rubbing alcohol and a BIG NASTY TICK.
14. Remove self to fainting couch. Allow Riley to accompany, because she would anyway and saying no gets me nowhere.
