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The History of America, according to Indi
Sep. 17th, 2010 12:22 amas retold to ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
spartanwerewolf one night at stupid o'clock
1. Johnny Appleseed planted a tree that George Washington chopped down, and then Coca-Cola made shipping crates out of it.
2. Then there was the time that Nikola Tesla used his mind control ray on Ben Franklin to make him play with kites in a thunderstorm.
3. In his spare time, Abraham Lincoln dueled with broadswords. (that one is true, actually)
4. The real story of Paul Revere is he stopped at the bar for a pint, because shouting about the British is thirsty work, and then come morning they had to send someone out for Mrs. Revere to come collect him, and he spent the next three nights staying over with John Smith and Pocahontas before Mrs. Revere let him come home.
5. Lewis and Clark: the only white men in history who ever bothered to stop and ask directions. (Sacagawea, in retrospect, considered this a bad move on her part.)
6. Ponce de Leon really did find the Fountain of Youth, but he never told anyone where it is. This is why so many elderly people come to Florida. Sadly, what actually happened to said fountain was, it got drained in the fifties and paved over and is now part of the galaxy of Disney parking lots. The problem was that the Timucuan word for "fountain" is more accurately translated as "muddy hole with gators and things in it" and that just didn't sound like something that'd impress royalty.
7. The reason Elvis impersonators perform weddings in Las Vegas is because Elvis officiated when Marilyn Monroe and JFK got hitched in secret -- but you know, what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.
Badger's reaction to all of this was as follows: "American History professors all over the US just dropped dead. YOU KILLED THEM ALL INDI!"
I went to one of the best schools IN THE STATE, GUYS! :D
spartanwerewolf one night at stupid o'clock1. Johnny Appleseed planted a tree that George Washington chopped down, and then Coca-Cola made shipping crates out of it.
2. Then there was the time that Nikola Tesla used his mind control ray on Ben Franklin to make him play with kites in a thunderstorm.
3. In his spare time, Abraham Lincoln dueled with broadswords. (that one is true, actually)
4. The real story of Paul Revere is he stopped at the bar for a pint, because shouting about the British is thirsty work, and then come morning they had to send someone out for Mrs. Revere to come collect him, and he spent the next three nights staying over with John Smith and Pocahontas before Mrs. Revere let him come home.
5. Lewis and Clark: the only white men in history who ever bothered to stop and ask directions. (Sacagawea, in retrospect, considered this a bad move on her part.)
6. Ponce de Leon really did find the Fountain of Youth, but he never told anyone where it is. This is why so many elderly people come to Florida. Sadly, what actually happened to said fountain was, it got drained in the fifties and paved over and is now part of the galaxy of Disney parking lots. The problem was that the Timucuan word for "fountain" is more accurately translated as "muddy hole with gators and things in it" and that just didn't sound like something that'd impress royalty.
7. The reason Elvis impersonators perform weddings in Las Vegas is because Elvis officiated when Marilyn Monroe and JFK got hitched in secret -- but you know, what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.
Badger's reaction to all of this was as follows: "American History professors all over the US just dropped dead. YOU KILLED THEM ALL INDI!"
I went to one of the best schools IN THE STATE, GUYS! :D
