this side? or this side?

Me: "I think I like this one better. The other one has too much blue in it, don't you think?"
Bleu: "Uh. No. What?"
Me: *facepalm* "Gah. Art school, sorry. It's more purple, and purple is made out of blue."
Bleu: "Yeah, go with that one."

Bleu says that This Sort Of Thing really Only Happens To Me. She says it in a way that invites capitalized letters, because -- well, y'all read me, you know my crazy life.

All I wanted was red nail polish for my toes. But being me, I had to look at all seventy different kinds of red, and have internal debates about whether there was too much blue or yellow in them, etc etc, and somehow in the process I got... stolen. For help. By a lady who seemed ever so slightly off. She was walking around holding two giant bottles of foundation, and sort of shaking her head in annoyance, and she had opened up the foundation bottles and had blobs of it on her hands.

I don't know how it started exactly, I just know that I wound up standing there in complete bafflement watching this woman rub quarter-sized blots of foundation onto different sides of her face, and then telling her which one I liked better. There were several problems with this. I shall explain.

1. The last time I regularly wore makeup was in high school. I gave up on that nonsense once I graduated and got a car, which meant I had to be coherent enough in the morning to not kill myself in said car. Makeup time quickly turned into COFFEE COFFEE COFFEE time.

2. Even when I wore makeup, I never did foundation because the palest shades they had were still too dark for my fishbelly-white self, so:

3. Figuring out what foundation works best for a black woman is really out of my area of expertise. Especially when I'm supposed to pick something from a rack.

She kept grabbing bottles and trying stuff on, and after a while (ladies, you know what I mean when I say a quarter-sized glob is a lot of that shit) it all sort of ran together and I couldn't see the difference anymore. To further complicate things, she'd open the bottle, swab some out, close the bottle, and put it back so after I said I preferred A over B, or C over D, or.. I think it went to M over N or something... I was then asked, do you remember which one it was?

Bleu, meanwhile, was hiding at the other end of the aisle all LA LA LA I DON'T KNOW ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN THE STORE. I decided I would Not Be Having with this lack of backup, and went and got her. "You wear foundation," I started, to Bleu.

Foundation Lady says: "You don't?"
Indi: "No. I, um--" [realizing that "because it doesn't come in Mime, and anyway the dog thinks it tastes like candy" is not going to work here] "-- uh, my skin doesn't like it. Breaks out something awful."
Foundation Lady: "But your skin looks so good! You're not wearing anything?"
Indi: "Nah. I break out, it's awful, I go red. I look like a lobster then."
Foundation Lady, smearing another wad of foundation on: "What about this one?"
Indi: "I'unno. Blend it more."
[She does.]
Bleu: "THAT ONE. GO WITH THAT ONE."
Indi: "It's, um." [off Bleu's glare] "Yeah! I like that. It works better than the others."
Foundation Lady: "But I was thinking of this one, on this side - which side, d'you think?"
Bleu, ready to run: "THAT SIDE."
Indi: "Yeah, that one."
Foundation Lady: "Hmm, yeah, it does cover better. Cos my skin does this thing, you see it?"
Indi: [off another glare from Bleu] "Not under the makeup I don't!"
Foundation Lady: [happily] "Look, it's two for ten bucks! You girls are so nice, thank you!"

Ten minutes later...

Bleu: "How come stuff like that always happens to you?"
Indi: "How come stuff like that never happens to you?!"
Bleu: "I don't look at people."
Indi: "That helps?"
Bleu: [Indi, you are an idiot] "Uh, yeah. Hey, look - chocolate."

So then we got chocolate, because it only doesn't have fat in it when I buy it for other people.

dogs & yoga: they're doin' it wrong

Dogs + yoga = "Doga." No, really, go read that.

I would say I don't have words, but I've thought about it and I have quite a few. I'll skip the WTF, because I'm sure you're right there with me. I'll also skip the "but dogs don't need yoga," because again I assume you're right there with me.

I'm sure some of you are thinking, but this is just the sort of whimsically insane thing I would expect Indi to do! I have a dog and I do yoga, but that's not the point. One, this looks crazy; and two - hey. I'm sure I'd get months' worth of amusement out of attending a "doga" class, but I'd also only ever be able to go one time, since Riley would get us kicked out for ruining the flow of positive chi. Either she'd pick a fight with someone or she'd emit loads of negative chi from her rear. Maybe both.

Now. Riley - being a two-year-old child in a dog suit - likes to be near the center of attention when she can't be the center of attention. She likes to participate. If I'm doing anything she's nearby, watching and interfering and getting in my way. I've adapted to this, because it's a Boxer thing, and you can't get a Boxer to go away any more than you can get a Border Collie to stop building a nuclear reactor in the garage. This means that when I am doing yoga Riley is there supervising. Or interfering. Or thinking it's play time. I've mentioned this before.

I would like to propose a list of more realistic dog-assisted asanas, with which I have personal experience. (By that I mean bruises.) These work best when Dog is of goodly size; if your Dog is too light to knock you off your balance, or small enough to be injured when you fall on top of it, borrow a larger one.

1. Cow and Calf. Human gets into Cow pose. Dog crawls under Human and nuzzles Human's belly with face-whiskers, because Dog knows that if Human is touched on the belly, Human makes all manner of funny noises. Human's job, therefore, is to hold the posture (with extensions, balancing, whatever) while being tickled. This is good for abdominal muscles and preparation for future tickle-torture.

2. Hidden Soldier Under Collapsing Structure. Human gets into Plank pose. Dog belly-crawls, like soldiers do, under Human. Human thus cannot get out of Plank until Dog leaves. Dog, however, is hiding from the bad guys and WILL NOT MOVE. Human holds Plank until arms give out, at which point Dog gets squished. This works your biceps, legs, etc. Do not, however, attempt Side Plank with Dog beneath you.

3. Tree and Lumberjack. Human assumes Tree pose. Dog, therefore, will be the Lumberjack, whose job it is to fell the Tree. Dog can use any method to knock Human down: licking feet, hip-checks, jumping up, throwing toys. This is good for balance, patience, and learning how to say "fuck off, you rotten monster" on the inbreath.

4. Get Off The Mat Before Your Claws Put Holes In It. Human will say this a lot. Dog won't actually do it. This is good for learning what it's like to have children.

5. Wake The Dead. Human is in Corpse pose. Dog does not like this corpse business and wants Human to act alive again. Dog's goal is to get Human to stop relaxing and start reacting. This is, again, good for learning how to not get distracted.

Doga. I really don't know how this can be in any way serious.